Haven't Thought of You Lately
by chickarocka
Summary: More than 4 years ago, Bella left Edward without giving him a reason. Now living in the same city they've reunited. Can they finally be honest with each other? Will they be able to forgive past mistakes? AH
1. Chapter 1

**A/N- So after months of being blocked on my other stories I caved and started writing this that had been kicking around in my head for awhile. In my head it's not a long story a few chapters probably, but here's the start. Let me know if it's worth continuing.**

**FYI- in case you were confused, I'm not SM, I don't own. **

Stepping out the front door she paused for a quick stretch. She took a hold of the dog's leash and turned on her iPod, before starting to run down the road alongside the ocean. She hadn't lived here for long but had already fallen in love with the Santa Cruz. The quirky shops and sea breezes, it was the small town feel she'd grown to love in the last few years, with everything big city nearby. She was glad she'd finally let Jasper convince her she needed a change of scenery. He'd managed to find them a house with just the street separating it from the cliffs over looking the Pacific. Things finally seemed to be falling into place.

As she neared the house again, about three miles and forty-five minutes later, she slowed to a walk. Letting the dog off his leash he bounded back into their yard, he must have felt at home too. She took a moment to cool off and watched the surfers head down to the water.

He wasn't the only one who noticed her. He wasn't the only to take a lingering look before heading down the stairs to the morning surf. He probably wasn't even the only one who's pulse speed up as their eyes ran down her body.

But, he was the only one who froze in recognition.

It couldn't be her.

"Bella?" He didn't realize the word left his mouth until she turned toward him.

She was trim and more muscular than he remembered. Her hair was longer now, and the bright morning sun was picking hints of red. Clearly it was her though. Her eyes were just the same. He swallowed hard and took a deep breath trying to clear his face of his shock.

Though Bella was just a surprised as he was, she was better at hiding it. "Edward?" she replied, the corners of her mouth turning up ever so slightly.

Edward ran his hand roughly through his hair. "Um... Ed. Pretty much everyone calls me Ed theses days."

"Oh," she said, softly, the light in her face dimming ever so slightly. He saw the slight falter of her face and it left him feeling guilty, for a lot of things. Biting down on her lower lip, she stared at the ground while Edward's eyes searched the waves below. Closing his eyes, he exhaled slowly and wished he had thought before he'd called out to her. He still would have done it. There is no way he could have just let her walk away. He just wished he would have taken a moment to prepare himself.

"'What are you doing here?" they asked simultaneously, both hoping to end the awkward moment.

Bella breathed out a short laugh while Edward shifted the surfboard on his hip. He thought briefly about playing this whole thing off, and answering "surfing." But he knew that wasn't the answer she was after and it had been too long and too much had happened for them to play games. "I, um... I came out here for, um, rehab," he said slowly. Bella's eyes met his and the smile returned to her face, much wider this time. Edward was sure for a moment his heart had stopped. Encouraged by the light in her eyes, he continued. "I just decided to stay. Seemed right, I guess."

Bella nodded once and bit down on her lip, knowing it was her turn to share. She had no idea where to begin. What was too much, too soon? She knew he had probably had more questions than she had answers. How could he not?

"I just moved down here," she started softly.

"Down?" Edward interrupted. "From where?"

"Washington."

"Washington?" he repeated.

Looking at her watch, she nodded. "Edwar...Er... Ed? I have to go."

"Of course you do," he muttered under his breath. He didn't intend to say it, his anger sometimes got the better of him. He definitely didn't intend for her to hear it, but she did. Bella's chest ached a bit, but she knew she deserved it. "I didn't mean that," Edward said, when he saw her face fall.

"You did, but it's okay."

"No. It's not," he said remorsefully.

Bella shrugged. "I have a job interview," she explained.

"Oh." Edward felt like an ass.

"Are you free tonight? I could cook you dinner, we could talk?"

"Yes," he said with too much enthusiasm. Edward regretted his immediate response. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk more with Bella. He wanted to desperately. He wanted to see where she was living. He wanted to know what she was doing. He wanted to know where it went wrong. He was eager to ask her so much, he just didn't want her to know how eager he was.

He really didn't need to worry to much about how Bella saw his response, Bella was just happy he'd agreed. "I live right there," she pointed. "The green one. Is five-ish okay?"

"Yeah. That's good." Edward nodded emphatically as he spoke. He knew he'd have to sneak out of work early to make in time, but he didn't care. He'd do just about anything to talk to Bella more. There was so much he wanted to ask her, but right now he honestly didn't care if he got any answers. It was almost enough just to see her again. Just to know where she was and that she was okay.

Bella, looked down at her watch again and sighed. "I have to go," she said again.

"I'll see you tonight," Edward said, though it sounded more like a question.

Bella nodded before giving Edward a little, half smile then she turned and jogged the half block to her house.

"Dude, who was that?" Eric called, sauntering over to where Edward was still standing, slack-jawed.

Edward rubbed at his face roughly, as if he were waking up. Finally, and regretfully, he pulled his eyes away from the house from which Bella had disappeared into. This was real, right? She was really here? After all this time?

"My ex wife."

Twenty minutes before he was supposed to be at Bella's, Edward realized his mistake. He was changing after a quick shower when someone pounded on his front door. Edward cursed to himself knowing who it was. A moment later he heard his brother coming up the stairs. He shouldn't have mentioned running into Bella, and especially shouldn't have said he would be seeing her again tonight.

"You decent?" Emmett yelled as he strolled into Edward's bedroom.

Edward looked into the mirror above his dresser and attempted to tame his hair. He ignored his brother's question, as he turned and walked out the bedroom door. "What are you doing here? I'm leaving. Now."

"I know. I can't let you go over there alone, can I?" Emmett said, following Edward down the stairs.

"Um, yeah, you can." He didn't look at his brother as he spoke. He was honestly more than a little stressed out about seeing Bella again, but was trying to stay calm and not let it show. Emmett was not helping.

"Seriously, Eddie. You haven't talked to this girl since she left you. You can't just go over to her house. have no idea what's been going on with her the last, what, five years? You deserve some answers, dude. I'm just gonna make sure you get them"

"It hasn't been five years," Edward grumbled. If Edward's memory wasn't playing tricks on him, Emmett had been pissed when he found out Bella wasn't coming back from her trip to Phoenix. Of course, Edward's memory of that time was more than a little fuzzy. He already knew more about why Bella left than he had ever admitted to. Really though, as upset as Emmett may have been, it wasn't and had never been any of his business.

_The phone in their apartment was ringing, and ringing, and ringing. While Edward wanted nothing more than to stop the noise, he was completely incapable. _

_"Bella," he moaned. Attempting to roll himself over was impossible. Blinking several times, he couldn't figure out where he was but at least the ringing had stopped. Edward closed his eyes and went back to sleep._

_Moments later he was blinded when Bella flicked on the bathroom light. She was frantic, but Edward was still far to drunk to understand much. She'd shaken him, pulled him up off the floor and managed to wrangle him into bed._

_Edward woke late the next morning. The bed beside him empty except for note on her pillow._

_Edward,_  
_My mom had an accident._  
_I'm going to Phoenix to be with her for a bit._  
_I'll give you a call, later._  
_Love always, Bella_

_Her phone call later that day, didn't explain anymore than her note. Nor did her second call a few days later. At the time, though, Edward wasn't worried. It was the letter, the letter he received three weeks after she had left Chicago, that made it clear. Bella wasn't coming back._

Sighing deeply, Edward scrubbed his hands over his face. "Em, you know this is between me and her, right?"

The two men stopped and stood on Edward's front porch. "Of course, I know that. I'm just trying to help out, bro."

Edward glanced at the street in front of the house, then looked back to his brother. "Where the fuck is your car, dude?"

Emmett flashed his trademark, dimpled grin. "Rose dropped me off." Edward shook his head as his brother continued. "She wanted to visit with her friend anyway. Alice, the one she's always telling you about. She practically dragged me over here, I guess they didn't want my company. So really, I mean, how could you turn me away."

_"You're an ass," Edward replied as he and Emmett climbed into his Volvo._

Jasper came home to find Bella up to her elbows in flour. It was obvious that Bella was a nervous wreck. When ever she was stressed she would cook.

"Biscuits?" Jasper asked.

"Yeah," Bella sighed. "I figured I'd make some gravy too and you could have biscuits and gravy for breakfast tomorrow."

Jasper hummed in appreciation. Then scratched at the back of his neck, while guilt washed over him. "Aren't you supposed to be making dinner?"

Bella looked up at him and smiled warily. "It's in the oven."

Jasper nodded. "Bella, I'm sorry about this mornin'."

Shrugging once, Bella returned to rolling out her biscuit dough. "It's okay, you were just trying to watch out for me. I get it."

"Yeah, but I shouldn't have pushed you so much." Jasper felt badly about his behavior this morning. Bella was freaked out enough about seeing her ex, she didn't need him making it worse. And he had definitely made it worse.

~  
_"You invited him over? Here?" Jasper yelled in exasperation. "You do realize I live here too. You need to call him and cancel."_

_"I can't. I didn't get his number." Bella was sitting in the corner of the couch, looking very much like a small child being scolded. She was very aware she appeared as such, and that alone was pissing her off. Jasper had jumped up from his seat at the kitchen table, his breakfast forgotten on the table._

_"So, what, Bella, you just told this guy where you live? You can't do things like that, darlin'."_

_"He's not some random guy, Jasper. I know him."_

_"He's a fucking drunk, Bella." Bella closed her eyes and fought the tears stinging at her eyes at Jasper's accusation. She wasn't sure as to why his words hurt so much but they did. The pain was visible on her face and Jasper sucked in a deep breath. "Sorry, I shouldn't have said that. But, Bella it's been years, do you really know him anymore?"_

_She chewed her lower lip, as she stared down at the empty finger on her left hand. She took a moment to gather her thoughts before she answered. "We just need to talk," Bella said softly, deciding it best to ignore the direct question Jasper had asked._

_An eyebrow arched, Jasper countered. "He didn't feel the need to talk to you before filing for a divorce."_

_"Jasper, that's not fair. There's a lot that you don't know."_

_"Bella, I know how you looked when you got the papers. That's about all I need to know."_

_"Jasper," she warned._

_He wasn't hearing her though. "Bella. You need to stay away from him."_

_"He came out here to go to rehab," Bella proffered the only thing she had. The only reason she had to think that Edward had changed from the guy she had left._

_Jasper sighed. "And what all is forgiven? Is he sober now? How long? What do you know, Bella, that makes you trust him? If that's all you know of him in the last four years, it's not much is it?"_

_Once again, Bella, didn't feel like answering his questions. Instead she attempted to turn this around. "Jasper, I never asked you to take care of me," she said quietly._

_Jasper knew that he wasn't going to get any further with this line of conversation. Bella was stubborn and if she didn't want to listen she wouldn't. That was made obvious to him by her statement. As hard as Jasper tried to let her know that she could rely on him, Bella refused to admit that she needed anybody. It hurt a little each time, but Jasper knew that eventually she'd realize the error of her ways and he'd be there when that happened. "Didn't say you did, darlin'. But, you know I have always said I would. We moved here for a change. And, if you ask me, a man from your past isn't really going to change anything." He turned and began gathering his things, readying himself for work. _

_Bella had never hated that southern accent more. "I'm going to talk to him. I never said that was going to change anything." Standing from the couch, Bella got up and headed to the bathroom to get ready for her interview. "And, beside that, I didn't ask you Jasper," she shouted from the stairs._

Deciding to stick to safe topics, Jasper turned his attention back toward the meal Bella was preparing. "You never cook like this for me anymore," he pouted.

Bella rolled her eyes. "I'm cooking for you right now," she said playfully. The timer on the oven beeped she turned and pulling two pans out of the oven. Setting them on the stove top before sliding the biscuits in.

Seeing the two casserole dishes, Bella was now covering with foil to keep warm, Jasper's eyes grew wide. "Holy hell, Bella. How much do you expect this guy to eat?" he asked incredulously.

"Well, this one is mine..." she trailed off, her finger lingering over the dish. "Mushroom Alfredo lasagna."

"And, this one is real food." Jasper's blue eyes lit with delight and a huge grin crept on his face. "You mean there is meat in this house? Damn, we should have had your ex over years ago." Bella shook her head at him. Living with a vegetarian had meant that Jasper had also given up meat in most meals, since Bella did most of the cooking. He wasn't embarrassed to admit that he'd learned where the closet burger joint to their house was with in the week they moved in. "Seriously, you better save me some of that."

"Whatever." Bella grinned back at Jasper, but the light moment was short lived. Bella was trying to put on a brave face. She had attempted not to let Jasper's arguments from earlier set too deep into her psyche, but it was getting to her. She was questioning everything; from inviting Edward into her home, their home, to talking to him at all. The thought of what he might ask sent Bella's brain spiraling. In that way that only he could, Jasper knew the moment when Bella's mood shifted. Coming to stand in front of her, he rubbed his hands up and down her arms. He bent his knees so he could be face to face with her. "You don't have to do this you know?" he said softly. "I can keep an eye out and send him away."

Bella pursed her lips, before reaching up and pushing Jasper's blond hair behind his ears. "And then what?" she whispered. "He knows where I live. You were right I shouldn't have told him that." Her teeth sunk in to her lower lip and she shook her head sadly.

Pulling her in for a tight hug, Jasper kissed the top of Bella's head. "It'll be okay, hon. I promise." He punctuated his words with additional kisses. "I always said I'd take care of you, you just tell me what you want. I'll do it."

Bella pulled herself in close, burying her face in Jasper's chest for a moment. She took a few deep breaths. "I have to do this. I have to, just, talk to him. I have to."

"Okay." Once more he squeezed her close, dropping a few more kisses into her dark hair. "Then maybe you should get changed," he added with a smile.

Bella glanced at the time on the stove, then down at her flour covered tee shirt and yoga pants. "God," she groaned, "You're probably right." She swatted at his chest as she pulled herself from Jasper's embrace. "Can you pull those biscuits out of the oven?"

Leaving Jasper in the kitchen, Bella headed down the stairs to change. The layout of the house was a little strange. It was designed to maximize the ocean views, with the bedrooms on the lower floor. After taking the pan from the oven, Jasper starting getting ready for his evening class. He hated to leave Bella alone with a virtual stranger but only a couple weeks into the semester he couldn't cancel his class. He was new to teaching at the university and didn't want to have things reflecting poorly on him already.

As he sat at his desk, sorting through a few things, he could hear the dog start to bark outside. "Hey, come're," he shouted. Unfortunately, as was typically since Bella had come into his life, the dog didn't listen to a word Jasper said. "He's forgot who's dog he is," he grumbled to himself. With a sigh, he walked out to the patio. "Dang it, Jake. Hush up," he yelled.

He was quick to see what Jake's problem was. Two men were approaching the gate, looking leery of the large barking dog. Jake was a wolf mix dog that Jasper had got as a puppy. He'd grown into a huge dog and Jasper had to admit that his appearance was rather intimidating. It was a feature he appreciated when Bella was out running with Jake, or in moments like this. He smiled to himself when Jake ran at the fence, barking once more and the men flinched a bit. It was immediately obvious who one of the men was. In the years he'd know Bella he'd only seen a picture of the guy a couple of times, but still he knew.

"Hey, there," he called as he came down the steps. "You must be Edward." Jasper shoved his hand out a the slimmer of the two men.

"Ed," the bronze haired, man corrected.

Jasper raised an eyebrow and cocked his head to the side as he sized the guy up. "I'm Jasper," he finally responded. Then he turned his attention to the other man. Edward was tall and obviously muscular, but this other guy was a beast. "And, you are?"

"I'm Emmett. Ed's brother."

Jasper wasn't sure what to think, was this guy afraid to be around little Bella alone? What would compel him to bring his brother along? He was torn between being worried for Bella and laughing his ass off.

"Well, Bella's gettin' changed. Lemme show you inside."

Edward and Emmett followed Jasper up the outdoor staircase that led to the large balcony, and into the house. He was trying to keep it together but Edward stress was quickly building. He hadn't expected for a man to be there. Obviously, this Jasper guy lived with Bella, he could tell that much. The casual way he'd mentioned Bella changing was making Edward skin crawl. Once inside Edward looked out the wall of window facing the ocean. He could see the waves breaking at his favorite surf spot and he let his eyes flutter shut. Taking a deep breath, he imagined himself down there as he braced himself for what was about come.

"Bella," Emmett bellowed when he saw her. She flung herself across the room and threw her arms around his thick neck. Apparently, Jasper hadn't needed to worry about how Bella would respond to the additional guest. Emmett swung Bella's little body around in a circle a few times, before setting her back on the ground. "You look great Bells. I've missed you, well, we've missed you. Are you doing okay?" When Bella nodded he lowered his head and whispered, "You had me worried."

Bella decided to ignore Emmett's little "we" comment. He shouldn't speak on his brother's behalf. Bella didn't want him getting her hopes up. She figured she'd hurt Edward thoroughly, he'd filed for the divorce, he didn't want her and she was fine with that. Well, not fine, but she'd moved on with her life. Tonight, she had planned to give him the apology and the explanations he deserved, but he'd brought Emmett along, so maybe his thoughts about tonight were different. Maybe, he didn't want to hear any of that. Perhaps, he'd already forgiven her and moved on as well, she didn't know whether to wish that were the truth or not.

When Emmett stepped back from her, Jasper quickly moved in. He lowered his forehead to Bella's and caught her face between his hands, he could feel her tension. "You know my motto, Bells?" She nodded, and he whispered, "Don't do anything Chief Charlie wouldn't do." It was an inside joke between the two of them, and Bella laughed as usual but it was a little thin. "If you need me call. Okay?"

"Yup," she breathed. Jasper quickly kissed her cheek before straightening up.

As the two of them shared their moment, Emmett shot his brother a sympathetic glance. He knew this wasn't what Edward had expected. To find Bella living with another guy, to see another guy touch her. Emmett knew, as much as Edward would never admit it, that he was still in love with Bella.

Edward had stood back quietly watching Jasper and Bella. Now that he was here he didn't know how to act or what to think, and he definitely didn't know what to say. He was subtly snooping, trying to get some idea of who Bella was now without having to ask, because now he was afraid of what he might hear. There were lots of pictures on the walls of the house that he thought might give some insight. Huge prints of large redwood trees and rainy beaches, as well as pictures of Jasper and the barking monster from outside.

And then, there it was, the picture that broke him. Jasper was smiling straight into the camera, one arm of Bella's wrapped around his neck. Her other hand held the black cowboy hat Jasper wore in many of the other pictures on her head. With a huge grin she was kissing the side of his mouth. Edward couldn't tear his eyes from the image.

"I'll be home in a few hours," Jasper said softly. Bella nodded and he turned to her guests. "Well, it was nice to meet you both." Jasper's voice finally pulled Edward from his trance and he nodded once in response. "Sorry, I can't stick around," said Jasper, with a quick wave before turning and heading out the door. Though he didn't know the reason, Jasper couldn't help but smirk slightly at how stricken Edward looked. With one last look at Bella he left her to face her past alone.


	2. Chapter 2

The dinner was going easier than Bella expected. It wasn't full of awkward conversation, Emmett spent most of the meal raving about Bella's cooking.

"Fuck," he practically shouted after one bite. "This is the best thing I've eaten in forever."

"I'll be sure to tell Rose you said that," Edward said with a smirk.

With his mouth still full of food, Emmett smiled widely at his brother. "Whatever. She knows she can't cook."

Letting out a light laugh, Edward shook his head.

"Who's Rose?" Bella asked quietly.

"My wife," Emmett grinned while waggling his eyebrows. Holding up his large hand, he wiggled his fingers to display his wedding band.

Against her will, Bella's eyes darted to her own naked ring finger and then across the table to Edward. When his eyes caught hers, after making the same trip, she quickly looked away. As she watched the setting sun drop into the ocean, she drew a steadying breath. Attempting to calm her hammering heart she plastered a smile on her face to hide the hurt.

In that brief moment, Edward had seen a flash of some unnamed emotion. He couldn't be sure what it was, but it shook him deeply.

"When did you get married?" she asked finally, hoping that no one had noticed much lag in the conversation.

"It's been almost a year," Emmett said with a nod, still grinning widely.

"Congrats." Bella tried to force some enthusiasm into her voice and smile as she said it, but the smile never reached her eyes. She found herself glancing over at Edward, he was staring hard at the plate in front of him. Guilt settled into the pit of her stomach. "I'm happy for you, Emmett," she said softly.

Emmett was the only member of Edward's family that Bella had ever come face to face with. When the pair had met, Edward's parents had been away on some humanitarian aid mission. It was something that they'd devoted themselves to once their children no longer "needed" them. Though, they'd since discovered that children always "need" their parents. Falling hard and fast for one another, Bella and Edward wed only months after they met. They both swore they couldn't be without the other. Emmett was the there to sign as a witness when at their courthouse wedding. Honestly, he'd fallen in love with Bella too; the sister he'd never had, he was all to happy to be there for the two of them. Edward on the other hand, didn't meet a single member of Bella's family until she had left him.

_He __held __her __letter __in __his __shaky __hands __the __entire __plane __ride __to __Phoenix__. __Shutting __his __eyes __and __rolling __his __head __back__, __knocking __it __lightly __on __the head__rest __several __times__, __he __wanted __nothing __more __than __to __guzzle __down __several __of __the __mini __bottles __on __the __flight __attendant__'__s __cart__. __Of __course __he __wasn__'__t __legally __of __age __and __there __was __no __way __they __would __serve __him__. _

_Removing __the __letter __from __the __envelope __again__, __he __read __it __for __the __umpteenth __time__. __It __wasn__'__t __much __of __a __letter__._

_Edward__,_

_I__'__m __sorry__. __I __just __can__'__t __come __back__. _

_I __can__'__t __do __this__. _

_I __love __you__, __Bella_

_He __squeezed __his __eyes __shut __tightly__. __Blocking __the __words __on __the __page __from __his __vision__. __It __didn__'__t __matter __though__, __he__'__d __already __memorized __them__. __Her __words__, __though __few__, __both __spoke __volumes, and somehow,__said __nothing __at __all__. __Edward __was __confused__, __and __for the first time in a long time,__the __confusion __wasn__'__t __alcohol __induced__. __He __knew __that __Bella __hadn__'__t __written __the __words __lightly__. __Bella __never __did __anything __lightly__._

_When __he __arrived __in __Phoenix __he __took __a __taxi __directly __to __the __return __address __on __envelope__. __He __had __a __bad __feeling __immediately__. __The __house __was __just __like __the __others __lining __the __street __but __somehow __it __just __seemed __to __have __less __life __to __it__. __It __didn__'__t __feel __like __Bella __at __all__. _

_The __driveway __was __empty__. __Edward __told __the cab __driver __to __wait __as __he __slowly __walked __up __the __front __path __to __the __house__. __Giving __three __short __raps __to __the __door__, __he __waited__. __The __heat __outside __was __heavy __and __oppressive__, __Edward __could __feel __beads __of __sweat __forming __on __his __forehead__. After p__ressing __the __button __for __the __doorbell__, __he __ran __a __hand __through __his __hair and__he __contemplated __his __options__. __Edward __wasn__'__t __sure __if __Bella __was __even __here__. __There __had __been __an __accident__, __what __if __she __was __at __the __hospital __with __her __mom __now__? __And __what __hospital__? __She __could __be __any __number __of __places__, __really__. __He __knew __one __thing __for __sure__, __there __was __no __way __he __was __going __to __leave __Phoenix __without __seeing __her__. Hopefully he wouldn't be leaving Phoenix with out her. __Still __he __wondered __how __long he should wait here__, __at __this __house._

_He __couldn__'__t __send __the __cab __away __because __he__'__d __be __stuck __if __things __with __Bella __didn__'__t __go __well__. __His __stress __level __steadily __rising__, __Edward __quickly __rang __the __doorbell __twice __more__. __Finally __he __heard __sounds __inside __the __house__. __It __sounded __like __something __clattering __to __the __floor__. __Another __moment __passed __and __there __was __shuffling __near __the __door__. __Edward __could __hear __the __locks __turn __and__took __a d__eep __breath __before __the __door __swung __open__._

_An __overweight __and __disheveled __looking __man __stood __in __the __doorway__. __His __eyes __were __blood __shot __and __an __unlit__cigarette __hung __from __his __lips__. __Swaying __a __little __he __placed __one __hand __on __the __door__jam __to __support __himself__, __before __mumbling __in __a __gruff __voice__, "'__the __hell __do __you __want__?"_

_The __thought __occurred __to __Edward __that __Bella __had __written __an __incorrect __address__. __He __couldn__'__t __figure __out __a __reason __for __that __though__, __if __she __didn__'__t __want __him __to __find __her __she __didn__'__t __have __to __write __an __address __at __all__. _

"_I__'__m __looking __for __Bella__," __Edward __stammered__._

"_Bella __ain__'__t __here__," __the __man __slurred._

_With __his __mind __swirling__, __Edward __inhaled __a __quick __breath__. __The __cool __air __that __was __coming __from __the __house __was __stale __and __smoky__; __not __at __all __refreshing __as __he__'__d __hoped__. __For __a __moment__, __defeat __registered__. __As __Edward__'__s __face __fell__, __the __corner __of __the __man__'__s __mouth __twitched__. __Edward __was __sure __he __was __taking __pleasure __in __pain __that __was __engulfing __him__. __That __thought __flipped __a __switch __inside __of __him__. _

_This __asshole __knew __Bella __and __probably __knew __where __she __was__. __In __that __moment__, __he __was __the __only __thing __standing __between __Edward __and __his __Bella__. _

"_Where __is __she__?" __Edward __asked __in __a __forceful __voice__._

"_Who __the __fuck __are __you__?" __The __man __gestured __as __he __spoke__, __pointing __his __fat__, __grubby __finger __straight __in __Edward__'__s __face__. _

_It __occurred __to __Edward __that __he __knew __nothing __about __this __guy__. __As __hurt __and __angry __as __he __was__, __he __needed __to __think __things __through __and __be __smart __about __this__. __The __ass __at __the __door __was __obviously __drunk__, __and __for __the __first __time __in __a while __Edward __wasn__'__t__. __Taking __a __deep __breath__, __Edward __assessed __the __situation__.__The __last __thing __he __needed __was __to __get __into __it __with __this __guy__, __that __wasn__'__t __going __to __help __him __find __Bella__. __Edward __decided __he __needed __to __keep __his __cool __and __not __upset __him __further__, __if __he __could __help __it__._

_Letting __out __a __sigh__, __Edward __answered__, "__I__'__m __her __husband__. __I __just __need __to __know __where __she __is__. __I __need __to __talk __to __her__."_

_The __man __laughed __and __Edward __could __almost __feel __the __shift __in __his __demeanor__. "__Yeah__, __she __told __us __she __got __married__. __That __girl __has __done __some __dumb __things __in __her __life__, __but __that __one __topped__ '__em __all__." __His __laughter __caused __him __to __cough__. __A __hacking__, __rough __cough__ , __and __Edward __took __a __step __backwards__. __Shoving __a __hand __out __to __Edward__, __the __man __finally __introduced __himself__, "__Phil __Dwyer__." _

_Edward __eyed __the __outstretched __palm __warily__, __he__'__d __recognized __the __name __at __once__. __This __man__, __who __was obviously __drunk __at __eleven __in __the __morning__, __this __was __Bella__'__s __step__father__. __This __was __the __man __who __Bella __and __her __mother __had __lived __with __since __Bella __was __six__. __Edward __felt __guilt __wash __over __him__. __He__'__d __let __his __wife__, __who __he __claimed __to __love __so __much __come __down __here __and __deal __with __this__; __on __her __own__. __His __eyebrows __knit __together __as __he __reluctantly __took __Phil__'__s __extended __hand__._

"_Edward __Cullen__." __He __took __a __deep __breath__. "__Can __you __tell __me __where __she __is__, __please__?"_

"_Hell __if __I __know__. __Came __down __here__, __bailed __Renee __out__, __put __her __in __rehab __and __left__."_

_Edward__'__s __heart __stopped__. "__She __left__," __he __breathed __out__. "__You __don__'__t __know __where __she __went__?"_

_As __much __as __it __hurt __it__, __didn__'__t __surprise __Edward __that __Phil __had __no __idea__._

Emmett could tell his brother had drifted to where ever it was that he went sometimes. It was something he did often after Bella had left; he just totally checked out. While Emmett had gotten used to it, it still hurt to see his brother so... heartbroken. He'd hoped with seeing Bella again it would be different. Of course they'd both thought she was single when Emmett had that thought. Looking across the table he found Bella pushing the food around her plate while chewing on her lower lip. Emmett could tell she was uncomfortable. Hell, he was uncomfortable too. He knew had to do something to try and push past this tension though. It was what he did. And he'd done it so well until few minutes ago.

"So, what have you been up to Bella?" he started.

"Um, I was living in Washington with my dad for a bit."

Edward's perked up a bit at this new information. "Your dad?" he questioned.

Bella set her fork down and sighed. "Yeah," she answered quietly.

Edward was trying to keep his emotion in check, but he was desperate to know anything and everything about his wife. Ex wife, he corrected his line of thought. Even if he had waited too long. Even if she was no longer his. "I thought you hadn't talked to him in years?"

Her teeth sunk deeply into her lower lip. "I hadn't. I just went up there and found him. I didn't know where else to go."

Edward penetrated her with his gaze. "You could have come home?" he whispered. The heartbreak was evident in his voice.

Bella's mouth was dry. She shook her head slightly before managing to force out some words. "I couldn't." Her voice was so soft she was sure Edward wouldn't hear. She couldn't think of a way to explain or justify. Though she hoped now that he was sober he could understand, at least a little.

Closing his eyes he braced himself for his confession. "I know." He couldn't bring himself to look at her.

Bella's eyes snapped to his face. She could see his regret etched in every line of his beautiful features.

They were both reminded of Emmett's presence when he cleared his throat. "Um, your bathroom?" he asked Bella.

While she directed him downstairs, Edward sat and massaged his temples. He was glad Emmett had distracted him when he did. He didn't want to share the details of his trip with Emmett.

Emmett had his phone out before he was halfway down the stairs, texting Rosalie. It was his hope that she could give him away out of this. Edward had been right he shouldn't have come, but he couldn't miss the chance to see Bella again. To say a goodbye of his own; though he had actually hoped this could be a new beginning. He resigned himself to say a final goodbye to Bella before he left, since he wasn't sure he'd get to see her again. That thought left him with a heavy heart. In the short time they'd known each other Bella and he had become close. The void she left in Edward's life, was nearly as big as the one she'd left in Emmett's. Emmett had been luckier than his brother, while his life was nearly filled now with Rosalie. He still missed his little sister though.

"I've missed you," Edward confessed once he was sure he and Bella were alone. He still refused to make eye contact. He shut his eyes tightly before blurted out his second confession in a quick breath. "I went to Phoenix."

His words hung in the air for several moments while Bella worried her lower lip. "When?" she finally whispered.

"When I got your letter." At his admission, Bella inhaled sharply. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

Bella was playing dumb and it pissed Edward off. Tugging at his hair, he finally met her eyes. "What happened with your mom? How bad it was? What you were really coming from? Anything? You never told me any of it. How was I supposed to know? We were married Bella. Married. Legally, partners. You understand that, right? What that means? You were supposed to tell me things. I was supposed to know."

Feeling as almost as though she was being scolded, Bella kept her eyes glued to a spot on table. Edward was right and she deserved this, and so much more. "You're right and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she breathed.

Sorry wasn't enough, they both knew it. Edward had opened him mouth to say as such, but Bella continued before he could. "I had never told anyone. I didn't even know where to start... I was wrong not to tell you." Her quiet words tumbled out in a rush and she hoped that he would know they were the truth. After a beat she drew her eyebrows together, "but, would it really have changed anything?"

He wasn't sure if she was actually asking or thinking aloud, but he answered anyway. "I don't know, Bella. But, it would have been nice to have the chance." Both of them were quiet for a moment. "I went to rehab."

"You told me that, earlier today."

"After I went to Phoenix." Bella swallowed audibly. "So, I guess it did change something," he said flatly.

"It wasn't you, Edward."

He flinched at her use of his name. That was someone else. Edward was the drunk who chased off the love of his life with his own stupidity. Of course it was him, again, he opened his mouth to speak but she quickly continued.

"It was me. I didn't want to be her. I couldn't be her." Bella let out a humorless laugh. "Except, I totally was. When I left. It's just what she would have done. It was just what she always does." The reality of that statement was sobering to Bella. "I fucked everything up. I'm sorry and I just need for you to know that."

For him, it was hard to believe. It was hard to know if she was telling him the truth. Though, whether it was the truth or not, Edward had never thought about it like that before. He'd always figured it was him Bella had run from. Here she was now, trying to tell him reality was that she was running from herself. It was a concept he couldn't get a grasp on.

The two of them sat quietly for a bit. Both processing Bella's admission.

Not wanting to go back to the heavy conversation, Bella broke the silence with the most mundane, safe, question she could think of. "So, what have you been up to?"

Running a hand through his hair, Edward let out a breathy laugh. He knew this tactic, the changing of subjects when there was something she didn't want to talk about. It lightened Edward's load to know that maybe he still knew her. This was her signature move. She had always pulled this and he'd always gone along with it. Maybe that, in part, led them to where they were now. It was such and familiar pattern and so easy to fall back into. Though there was still so much to be said, he let her have this. He let them both have this. Knowing how she liked, no, needed time to process things. Tonight there was a lot to process. He was sure they would get back to this eventually. Edward would make sure of that as long as she didn't run again.

"I teach music, at a high school. And some private lessons." He looked up into Bella's eyes, he couldn't help but smile at what he saw there. She was genuinely interested in what he was saying. The slight lift in the corners of her mouth told him how happy she was for him. Teaching music had always been his dream. "And I surf, a lot," he added. "What about you, are you teaching?" he jumped once again at the chance to find out something about her.

Bella's teeth sunk into her lower lip. "Um, I'm kind of in between jobs right now." She shook her head slightly. Edward's smile had morphed into a look of confusion. "With the move and all."

When they'd met they'd both been in programs at Loyola, both had the intention of teaching high school; him teaching Music and her English. At the time they thought they couldn't have been any more of a match for each other. They had pictured themselves teaching at the same high school, while living in their perfect house with the white picket fence. Obviously they had been wrong.

When she had left Edward, Bella couldn't bring herself to continue to study English. She'd tried. She taken classes at the community college in Port Angeles where Jasper taught, but it was too hard on her. The stories and books she'd always loved so much, reminded her of Edward. She could see pieces of him in every character. She hated to admit to him though, that she had given up that dream, their dream.

"Oh. Yeah," he muttered. "How'd your interview go today?"

"Good. I hope." She looked down at her hands before continuing, debating how much to share with him. "It's just a part time position at a camera shop. But, the discount will be nice. They have dark room supplies," Bella answered softly.

"Huh." Edward was quiet for a moment, pondering how little he knew about this Bella. "You take pictures?" She nodded once in response. "Did you take any of those?" He pointed back into the living area of the house.

Bella nodded again. "Pretty much all of them," she answered softly.

"They're beautiful," he stated honestly. He wanted to add that it didn't surprise him, but was afraid that would be too much. Everything she did was beautiful.

Bella flushed slightly at the tone of his voice. "Thanks," she answered quietly.

It was then that Emmett came up the stairs, deliberately taking heavy footfalls to warn them of his presence. Immediately, he could tell the mood between the two of them had relaxed and he couldn't help but smile. He was sure that if they could just get past what had happened, whatever it was that had happened, the two of them could be happy together again. Fate had brought them back together again, they were supposed to be together. Emmett knew it, even if they didn't yet.

Before he could sit, Emmett's phone started singing New Kids on Block. Bella quirked an eyebrow at Edward, who answered with a shake of his head. Emmett simply shrugged. "Rose loves this song," he said, before fishing the phone from his pocket.

~~OO~~

Keeping with his routine Edward found himself walking down East Cliff Drive to the stairs at 36th Street in the morning light. There was a slight change to his normal routine though. A change that made Edward begin to think that there was something wrong with him. A week ago he wouldn't have parked where he had. There was no reason to walk these extra couple of blocks. He was stalking his ex wife, at least that was probably how the law would see it if anyone ever found out. He couldn't help himself, now that he knew where she was he just needed to be as close as possible. To see her. To know she was safe. He regretted leaving the house shortly after Rose's call the other night. There was so much he still needed to know about her, and so much he still needed to tell her. Emmett's glare on the ride back to his place had lead Edward doubt his actions even more.

Today he was sure his stalker tendencies were paying off. He was finally rewarded with the most wonderful sound, Bella's laughter. Though it wasn't for him, the sound still made his pulse increase. He should have just been happy with that, but again he couldn't help himself. Reaching up, he ran his free hand through his hair as a decoy while he chanced a look at Bella's house.

He spotted her immediately. She stood on the second floor patio, where he'd eaten with her five days... and million years ago. A tight fitted tank and equally fitted cropped pants hugged curves she hadn't had when he'd known her. One of her muscled legs was extended behind her as she balanced with an arm outstretched. He'd never seen her so graceful. Remaining on her foot she moved her hands down to her hips, turning her head toward the house and saying something Edward couldn't hear. His heart ached at the changes she'd made without him in her life. It clenched further when her second laugh was accompanied with someone else's.

Jasper stood up and placed himself beside Bella, glancing out toward the water before he did. As Jasper's eyes scanned past him, Edward realized he had stopped walking.

"What the fuck is wrong with me," he murmured to himself, as he forced his feet to move.

a/n- yeah it was a long time. yeah i suck like that.

i struggled with where to end this chapter, but this seemed to work best for the two of them. the next chapter is done pretty much done so i should be able to post soon- barring any unforeseen disasters. if you liked it let me know.


	3. Chapter 3

Edward ran both hands through his hair and rolled his eyes before knocking on the door. He wasn't sure how the hell he'd been convinced to do this. Well that's not entirely true, he knew he was a mess, an easily persuaded mess.

She answered the door with a smile but it was wrong.

Her hair was too short and too dark. Her eyes were the wrong color. It really didn't matter how nice, or smart, or pretty, or honestly, how fucking perfect this girl might be, she was wrong. She wasn't the one he wanted. But Rosalie had called at exactly the right time.

After his morning stalking of Bella and, once again, spotting her with that fucktard Jasper, Edward was vulnerable. It sickened him to see Bella, moved on and completely happy with someone else. When Rosalie had called and once again attempted to set him up on a date with a friend of hers, he'd finally conceded. So here he stood, at the girl's door wishing she were someone else.

"Ed, it's nice to finally meet you," she greeted him sweetly.

"It's Edward," he blurted out.

"Oh, okay," his date said, her smile faltering. "Rose said..."

"It's okay," Edward murmured. He wasn't sure where his correction had came from, he hadn't told anyone to call him that in years. Edward figured he was coming off as an ass, but just didn't know where his head was at. As he took her hand and shook it lightly, he tried to refocus. "It's nice to meet you too, Alice. Rose speaks highly of you."

Alice fought the urge to roll her eyes. While Edward was a good looking guy, she was less than impressed. There was absolutely no spark between them. How Rose had ever talked her into this, Alice couldn't remember but she would pay for this later.

As she stood beside him in the darkened club, Alice was offended by Edward's obvious wondering eye. Sure, this was a first date and dinner had been pretty awkward but he had agreed to continue the evening. They could have politely ended the night after the meal. Now they were just prolonging the misery. She followed his line of sight over to a brunette, cursing herself for bringing up the fact that her friend's band was playing tonight. By now Alice could be home complaining to Rosalie about her terrible matchmaking skills.

The girl Edward couldn't tear his eyes away from was swinging her hips slightly, though Alice noticed she was off beat with her occasional claps. She was slender and petite; only a little taller than Alice. Alice couldn't get a good look at her face though, as she kept turning away from them to talk to a tall blond guy beside her. She got a good look at him though. Letting out a tiny groan, she wondered why he couldn't be Rose's brother in law. She huffed as she looked back at Edward, who's attention was still captured.

As the band started into another song, the girl hopped on her toes a bit, in obvious excitement. Alice rolled eyes at her ridiculousness. Edward didn't recognize the tune immediately, but as they hit the chorus he drew in a slow breath and closed his eyes. "How 'bout another first kiss, she said," the guy on stage crooned into the microphone. Edward felt as though he'd been punched in the gut. "How 'bout another first kiss, I said." Bella had always loved this song, he could see her dancing around the tiny kitchen of their Chicago apartment, singing loudly and off key. "I want another first kiss like this." He couldn't bear to look at her. Seeing her so happy with someone else, it was killing him.

"You want a drink?" Edward shouted in Alice's direction, when he remembered he was here with someone himself. She looked slightly startled by his voice, but nodded.

"Yeah, a Bud Lite?"

Edward's brow furrowed, before he nodded and turned away, heading for the bar. When they'd both ordered sodas at the dinner he figured that Rosalie had told her that he was a recovering alcoholic. It wasn't something he normally broadcast, but he wasn't offended that Rose would mention it. Alcoholism was part of who he was, there was nothing to hide. Now he figured she didn't know, or she didn't care and he couldn't blame her.

As Edward headed back toward Alice with her beer and his bottle of water, his thoughts were centered on whether or not Bella would turn around a see him. He both craved and feared the idea of Bella seeing him here, with someone else. If she had moved on, he should too, right? And the idea of rubbing in her face that he had, like she had to him... When the thought of revenge was more than a little appealing, he had to remind himself that he had put them in this situation. He was the one who chased her away. He was the one who gave her up.

Focused on his thoughts of Bella, Edward wasn't paying much attention to his surroundings. He bumped into someone in the narrow doorway between the club and the bar. "Sorry, dude," he said without looking up.

"Not a problem, Edward." The southern drawl slowly enunciated his name.

Looking up, Edward was face to face with Jasper and again under the his scrutiny. Jasper eyed the open beer bottle in his hand. "It's not mine," Edward blurted out quickly. He immediately regretted his words, he had nothing to explain to Jasper. He owed Jasper nothing, especially not an explanation. Edward didn't know the guy and really, he didn't want to.

Jasper cocked his head to the side and pulled up one corner of his lip, in a look that plainly told Edward he wasn't buying his story.

Narrowing his eyes, Edward pointed his chin toward the dance floor. "My date's waiting for me," he said before pushing past Jasper and heading into the crowd.

The band was taking a break as Edward pushed his way through the crowd. Not finding Alice in the spot he was sure he'd left her, Edward panicked a little. If she had deserted him at the club and he had to pass by Jasper again with the beer, well, he didn't want that to happen. He started looking for the nearest trash can to throw the bottle in but spotted Alice instead; just a few steps behind Bella.

"Fuck," he breathed.

Rushing across the dance floor, Edward swung around in front of Alice. He caught her arm with his elbow and started gently tugging her way, shoving the beer into Alice's hands.

"What the hell?" she said.

"Yeah. That's what I want to know." Edward's tone was clipped.

Alice halted her movements. "Excuse me! What the hell is wrong with you?" she practically shrieked, drawing the attention of a few people around them. Edward looked around furtively, they were now a few yards from Bella. Thankfully Alice's volume hadn't caught her attention, yet. Letting go of Alice's arm, Edward continued to put some distance between him and his ex wife. He hoped Alice was following, as he headed to a corner of the club. When he turned to face her, Alice was standing arms folded across her chest, one eyebrow cocked, waiting expectantly.

"What were you doing?" he asked, his voice full of frustration.

"Are you kidding me? You've been staring at her all freaking night. And you're asking what I was doing? Like I did something wrong?"

"I," he started to defend himself, before realizing there was nothing to say.

"Um..."

"Um... What?" Edward couldn't pull his eyes from the floor. He was embarrassed as fuck that Alice had called him out. Realizing that Edward wasn't going to respond, Alice continued, "I don't know why Rose thought we would work. I just don't see it." When he lifted her eyes to her face Alice rolled her eyes at the broken look she saw there. "You were looking at that girl, I thought the guy she was with was cute. I thought I'd help us both out."

"They're together. She's happy. Leave it alone."

Alice didn't have to say anything, her questions where plainly written across her face. "She's my ex wife," he said softly. It was clear to Alice that this girl had done a number on Edward. After regarding him quietly for a moment, Alice held her bottle out to him. "Maybe, you need this more than I do."

He tugged roughly at his hair. "I don't drink," he stated with a shake of his head. "Look, I know I've been a shitty date, but you wanna go get a coffee or something? Try this over? I'm just..." He gestured between the two of them as he stated the obvious. "I'm not in a place to do this. I shouldn't have agreed to it, but I feel like I owe you a pleasant time at least." That last part was a lie, he just wasn't ready to go home. Alone.

"Coffee?" Alice asked. "As friends?"

"I could really use a friend," Edward stated honestly.

"Can we plot against Rose, for setting this up?"

He breathed out a light laugh. "Hell, yes."

The two of them made their way out of the club. Alice quickly took a few pulls from her bottle of beer before tossing in the trash at the door. Leading the way outside, Alice turned to walk up the street. "There's a place a couple blocks this way, we could walk?" She glanced over her shoulder and found Edward rooted in place.

He was sure he was being punished. While Edward knew he'd made some mistakes in his life, he didn't know what he'd done to deserve this torture.

Jasper was flashing him a cocky grin as he pulled his helmet down over his head. Beside the grinning asshole, was a tiny girl wearing a huge motorcycle helmet. A tiny girl Edward knew to be his precious Bella. "You've got to be fucking kidding me," he mumbled.

Alice shifted her gaze to see where Edward was staring. The two of them watched as Jasper climbed on to a large black motorcycle and Bella climbed on behind him. Her arms wrapped around and clung to him tightly as Jasper revved the engine and shot away from the curb.

"She could get hurt. What the hell is he thinking?" Edward said to no one in particular.

"I take it that was the ex wife, again?" Alice asked.

Edward nodded, his eyes still locked on the spot Bella had just inhabited. "I'm such a fucking idiot."

Alice grabbed his elbow and started walking, pulling Edward along; he didn't put up a fight. "Come on, lets get some coffee and you can talk about it."

~~htoyl~~

A/N- Well poop, this took too long to post. Sorry. Life is well... It's life. I'm sure you all know. Let me know what you thought. Pleeeaaasseeee. :)


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